What research says about your child’s emotional rollercoaster and how to ride it with less stress.

Ever wondered why one day your child is calm and collected, and the next they’re melting down over the “wrong” colour cup? That back-and-forth isn’t bad behaviour, it’s self-regulation in motion. Self-regulation is your child’s ability to manage emotions, control impulses, and focus attention. It’s what helps them wait their turn, pause before shouting, or try again after something goes wrong. The truth is it’s not something children are born knowing how to do. It’s something they learn and it takes time, guidance, and patience.

What New Research Tells Us

Two recent studies are shining a light on how self-regulation actually works, and how we, as parents and carers, can better support it.

• Moschko et al. (2022) looked at how children’s ability to self-regulate changes throughout the day and how it impacts their relationship with their parents.

• Eberhart et al. (2022) explored how watching children in everyday moments can give us better insights than just ticking boxes on a checklist.

Together, these studies remind us: Self-regulation is flexible and real learning happens in real life

Here a few things to thing about:

1. Self-Regulation Fluctuates — and That’s OK

According to Moschko et al. (2022), self-regulation isn’t steady. It changes, just like your mood or energy level. On days when children feel more in control, their relationships with parents often feel stronger too. On harder days, things can feel more tense.

That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means your child is human. And your connection with them matters, it can either support or strain their ability to regulate.

2. Observation is More Powerful Than You Think

Eberhart et al. (2022) found that instead of relying on forms or reports, we learn the most by watching how children respond in the moment, when they’re frustrated, waiting, or figuring something out. This means those everyday moments, like puzzle time, dinner table battles, or toy disagreements, are actually little windows into how your child is growing.

What Can You Do as a Parent?

Notice patterns, not just the outbursts... is your child always melting down before meals? Or during transitions? Start paying attention to when regulation is harder. You’ll learn more by observing than reacting.

Support, don’t swoop. You don’t have to fix everything. Instead, coach, “Do you want to try again or need a hand?” “Let’s take a deep breath together.” This builds their skill and confidence.

Stay calm even when they’re not. Your child is learning from your nervous system too. They absorb your tone, body language, and pacing. Your calm is their safety.

Create the right environment. Small changes like consistent routines, fewer distractions, and warmth go a long way. Regulation isn’t just about what's in your child, it’s also about what surrounds them.

Self-regulation isn’t about being “good”, it’s about being guided. It’s not perfect days. It’s safe moments. And it’s okay if it takes time. The research reminds us, the more we observe with care, the better we can respond with compassion. And in those small moments, the spilled cereal, the sibling squabble, the bedtime tears, we’re helping shape how they handle every emotion life will throw at them. You're not just managing meltdowns, you're nurturing resilience.

Disclaimer:The information and tools shared in this journal are designed to support emotional wellbeing and self-regulation in everyday family life. However, they are not a replacement for therapy or professional intervention.

Every child is unique, and some behaviours may be linked to deeper emotional or developmental needs. If you have ongoing concerns about your child’s behaviour, mental health, or development, we encourage you to speak with a qualified healthcare or educational professional who can offer personalised support.

Eberhart, J. L., Causey, C. D., Willoughby, M. T., & Calkins, S. D. (2022). Advancing educational research on children’s self-regulation with observational measures. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 61, 323–337. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ecresq.2022.05.005Moschko, M., Asselmann, E., Schmidt, M., & Henning, L. (2022). Fluctuations in children’s self-regulation and parent–child interaction in everyday life: An experience sampling study. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 80, 101416. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2022.101416